Absence

So it’s been nearly two months since the last update, and I am not entirely sure how to stuff a month’s worth of postings in a single entry.

It was a whirlwind of emotions this past month, and I have, to be honest, been quite loose with my prayer life and I blame that for the instability and lack of productivity of all my choices. It was not easy, having to juggle the start of a new job and the admissions for Law School. Yes, you heard that right. I am going to Law School now. At least not until August. I remember sharing in my previous post that I was going to be a preschool teacher by June. Turns out, in my current life, there’s no such thing as a “definite” career path, reminding me that when you’re in your early 20s, you’re most likely going to end up in a jungle of roads – and you get to start walking on your toes, trying to find the right spot to hop on. So yes, Law School it is (although I’m still currently teaching).

As I write, I hear my own heart trying to slower down its pace. It’s only 8PM but I feel terribly exhausted. This has been a regular feeling ever since I’ve started teaching. Frustration builds up and at times I wonder if there is, in any way, improvement among my students. There would always be moments when I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to just remember the pressure before I break down. Peace, I’ve noticed was out of reach, and I had consistently wondered, “Is there any hope for relief?”

God’s answer came quickly, and apparently, has been keeping this boat sailing on despite the storm. My peace and my joy are building up to restoration as He has promised.

“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you, will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

I had always wondered, for the past few weeks, if I truly was following God’s will, opposing the idea of Law School. In my heart, I thought that legal studies was both tedious and godless, so I wrestled with the idea and insisted on what I thought was right – staying away from it. In the end, however, I resorted to going with the flow, constantly telling the Lord that this time, I shall leave it up to Him. After all, as long as I did my part, God will open the doors at the right time. And that, He did. After crying before the second phase of admissions: the interview (I was still convinced I did not love Law), I went. There, things started changing. The results were worth great rejoicing, and strangers (now mere acquaintances) begin sending Law School materials in PDF form without notice. I thought, maybe I should give this a try and continue praying about it. Enrollment is days away, and classes, only two weeks, I could barely contain myself. I am both feeling antsy and excited over the idea of schooling with highlighted and marked books on a schoolgirl desk. I thought, I wouldn’t feel terrible with this fate, after all.

So much more is happening alongside the career and academic buzz, explaining the disorganized blog entry; I wish I could write everything down. I would if I could. Instead, I would just continue this post by thanking the readers faithfully visiting this blog. (It really, really means a lot to me.) I know how often I say I would try to write regularly, but I will still make the same promise today. Sure, my schedule would be a lot tighter than usual (with work, Law School, and me and my film crew working on new shorts), but I know you know how this has already been a part of me since forever. I will still write to you. More regularly now, that is!

Tasting Goodness

I am the most terrible in keeping up with blog posts, I know. I have been wrestling with the Lord for quite a while, being unable to reconcile with myself – battling between career and life choices. Of course it would seem hypocritical of me to write devotional posts on this blog when I am struggling myself. I only thought I needed the time to seek God and heal. For the time I had been away, I apologize. But this time, I come with great news. I hope it would make up for the hiatus.

Restoration has always been God’s expertise. After weeks of testing and struggle-praying, I could say the Lord is in the process of renewing me again – desires, priorities, and compassion have apparently been updated – and once more, the Lord has entrusted such a big task to me in such a time as this; I still could not believe the privilege. I could not.

Last month was Vacation Bible School, a yearly summer activity at church for the children. I remember the last time I volunteered as a teacher, I was only fifteen and I had no idea what I was doing, being a teacher to kids around my age (I was assigned to the young teens age group), but this year (being 20), I was given another chance to serve the Lord through ministering to the children.

Ptr. RJ on sharing the gospel.

The kids (ages 7-9) drawing the last time they trusted God.

The kids I have had the privilege to teach were a lot more different from each other than I have expected. Marie, for example, coming from a well-off family, had the opportunity to attend school with all her needs and wants provided. She is church-grown with godly parents and siblings and she had every opportunity to be taught about Jesus. It was a pleasant experience to teach and watch her learn, actually, and I never had a problem with discipline. Jandelle, on the other hand, was the type of kid who has a different mind of his own. In many instances, he’d slip from the group and either go out to play on his own or tail behind me, asking for lollipops or a chance to play with the church’s drum set. During VBS week, I noticed he was wearing the same shirt every day. It was a school uniform undershirt, so initially I thought he just has several of those kinds of shirts. During the third day, however, I realized he did not smell as good as he did on the first day. The day after that, he smelled worse. That was that. I realized he didn’t change shirts, much less showered, and I felt a jerk in my chest, a sorry feeling that his parents were not taking care of him the way the other kids’ parents were. On graduation day (obviously, he still had the same shirt on) Pastor RJ told me he just learned from Jandelle himself that he lost both his parents and some of his siblings to the super-typhoon Sendong (internationally known as Washi) that hit the region on December 2011; the boy was crying when he retold the story. I felt bad for not setting aside time to understand him and only brushed him off as a kid who had attention issues.

Jandelle and Marie

The more silent children started talking, too. It was at this time that I learned that every child needs special attention. So I started calling the silent kids at the back and insisted on having them sitting next to me. The look of uncertainty and relief pass through their eyes that I could only thank the Lord for urging me to walk the extra mile for them.

VBS 2015 Graduation Day

The Lord has taught me so much in such a short time, and He has rewarded me with so much more. Of course a huge part of our time was spent talking to the children against quarrelling (at random times at least one would start crying and complaining that somebody hit them), but at the end, when you could see them all as friends, celebrating Jesus as their Lord and Savior, I could not even begin to explain how exceedingly wonderful and satisfying it was to watch.

After classes, random kids would just start flocking around, hugging, and thanking me for being their teacher (adding requests for me to play with them, of course). At first it caught me off guard because I knew I was never good with children, but then I realized that as I saw the Lord changing the children into God-fearing children, He was also transforming my heart into a heart of compassion for the children.

In continuation to God’s Grace, I also finally got accepted by our church-school (Timothy Christian Academy) as a preschool supervisor. As I am writing this, I am inside the preschool classroom I am still trying to prepare for the June classes. Rewinding to several years back, I would not have imagined myself being a full-time minister to children. Thinking about how the Lord has chosen me for this simply takes my breath away; I have never been this excited for something, and having gone the training for the curriculum only fueled my excitement – finally being able to minister to the kids through letters, numbers, and stories of the Bible. This, I realized, is something big.

I still have a few more weeks for breathing although I knew I have a lifetime to learn. From today ‘till beyond, I will praise the Lord for the goodness I have tasted.

Basic Problems in Writing

I know you’re a little lost. “It Must’ve Been Love” is blaring through your dad’s speakers and you could barely write something worth a read. You rest your chin on your right knee, hoping your fingers would type something nice without you having to think for them. Your head starts to throb. You hate the music, but you hate the idea of leaving an air conditioned room even more.

You detect the secretary’s strong perfume from the other room. It’s that bad, and it irritates your nose. You wait for a sneeze. It does not come, but a headache does. You realize you just had lunch but you’re hungry again. You suddenly want chips and chicken siopao. It’s only 1:12 in the afternoon. You wonder what you’re doing, writing this, but you eventually just convince yourself that this is free-writing. A practice. An exercise. You smile. In your head, of course, because it’s too tiring to actually use your smile muscles. You roll your eyes a little, but smile in your head. It’s basically the same thing, you think.

You can’t stand the perfume so you go out to check on the secretary. Maybe so you could tell her to not spray too much on her. There is nobody outside, nor is there anybody in the other room. It puzzles you. It scares you a little, so you ask your dad. He does not answer you, so you lie down on the bench opposite his table to demonstrate your annoyance. You squirm like a fish out of water and cover your whole face, complaining that the perfume is giving you a headache. You fake crying. Your dad does not mind you, so you go back to your table hoping to write something better or to go deaf for a while. You could not and do not, and now you’re not entirely sure if it is the music or the perfume that is driving you crazy. You scrunch your nose for the fifth time.

You finally rest your face on your palms and decide to give up. You haven’t written anything. You sigh, feeling sorry for yourself, because you should write. You should have written something from your 15-minute experience, but you haven’t. So you give up, and decide to post this to make the realization and frustration public.