Restless. That is probably what you'd like to describe me right now. Number one, I am nowhere near thesis completion (and the defense is two weeks away!). Number two, deadline for the application for graduation would be on Friday and I still have an incomplete grade from last semester. Number three, there are other trivial things that insist to infest my sensitive side. Number four, I am a naturally-restless girl for no apparent reason and I know I should stop.
Peace. I've been craving for peace since 2014. Schedules are messed up; the once quiet river now has surges of strong currents brought about by storms. Whenever I pause to think about letting Christ's peace wash over me, the next storm comes at me like they have come from a bottomless pit of worries. It's a cycle, I tell myself, feeling the exhaustion of battling the circumstances seeping into my bones.
But times like this only bring me back to a memory of God's extraordinary workings. Last year, right before our second semester started, I was devastated when I knew I still did not have a grade for my Thesis proposal. And it was already enrollment time! Finally feeling defeated, I cried so hard at the back of the department, so sure of my extension and the disappointment on my parents' faces. "Lord," I managed to blurt out. "Why?" I could barely breathe, let alone speak.
Then suddenly, somebody from behind began stroking my head gently. It was somebody's palm and I only absorbed the comforting warmth, refusing to glance up. This lasted for a few seconds. The hand was a little heavy, continuously stroking my head like a mother strokes her child, or a master pets his cat. Then out of reflex, I think, I glanced up to see who this comforter was. I saw nobody. I stood up and looked for whoever it was but found nobody near. When I asked a classmate a few feet in front of me if somebody was behind me earlier, she only gave me a puzzled look and shook her head. I could almost not believe in the incident. Maybe I was hallucinating. Maybe I was only too washed with grief. So I ran my hand over my head and tested if what I felt was truly a hand. It was a hand as they felt exactly the same.
I only smiled then. Sure that it was my Lord coming to my rescue. Sure that it was His comfort and assurance. Sure that He has reminded me again of His ways that transcend mine. "Ikaw to, Lord?" I asked in a grin. There was silence. But, there was peace starting to run towards my soul, I no longer needed another hand to prove anything. "Thank You, Lord!" I giggled.
I almost always forget that, so I quickly give in to restlessness. But now I choose to hold on to what He said by remembering this. That all I have to do is hold on and never let go. That He is my only source of strength and order. That His ways are perfect.
I have shared this because I do not want to hoard God's mysterious workings, nor do I want to keep encouragement to myself. It is time to let go of things no matter how important they seem to us. Maybe they've bothered you too much already, like how my problems stole my joy lately. Jesus requires us to take them off our shoulders and start noticing Him instead. That His yoke is light. That He will do the hard stuff for You by His grace. That He cares about you so much that's why He's doing this.
I needed this reminder myself. I know you do, too.
