Tell Me What To Name This Thing

Perhaps it was the way he draped his long arms around my shoulders that made me restless the whole night. Nothing has changed. It was as if I were back eight years ago, sharing my last dance with him. Only this time, I had more questions. How his stares began to deepen and linger. How he comes to me, to place a hand on my waist and whisper if I was enjoying the night. Or if I wanted more wine. I was sinking. Deeper. And I was not sure if I wanted to climb out the hole I was digging for myself. Again.

Before I left he came from behind, his breath crawling on the side of my cheek, my chest laboring for more air. And I remembered how he pulled me in for a dance a long time ago. Eight years ago he was breathing against my neck, and I dropped my hands from his shoulders to his arms, his fingers tracing my bare back up and down, down to the hem of the deep blue gown just below my waist. We swayed a little. He kept his hands on my waist – sometimes going up my back. “Thank you,” he said, and I smiled and asked what he was saying his thanks for. But he only answered me with his crazy grin, before moving closer, his nose brushing against my cheek.

Time was an ocean, and eight years later, I was still waiting for him to say more, but he only rubbed my shoulders with his warm hands before I felt him press his lips against my hair. 

P.S. Another flash fic to keep my mind off things for a while.

Closing a Roller Coaster Year

I MISS WRITING! AND I KNOW I OWE THIS DORMANT BLOG A POST.

There had been a lot of changes this year. Mostly, temporal. I haven’t really been in my best shape when I entered 2016 but I was hopeful that things will fall in their rightful places. I’m not entirely convinced my readers want to catch up on what has been happening lately, given I was not really a good blogger this year, but I find it most comforting to write down things. To make things at least more organized in letters, having such a crazy mess of a mind. So, here is a list of my crazy year, in chronological order.

1. I QUIT LAW SCHOOL

I finished one term, finally convinced, law really isn’t for me (although I did, and still do love a good argument). It was really out of respect (for my mom) that I started law school, thinking I might grow to love it if I try. Unfortunately, since I juggled it with work (teaching preschool), I barely had time to study. Also, I was having depressed nights where I just cry and loathe the thought of work and class the next day, having no clear vision of me in the court. In the end, I gave up, dreading the thought of 5 years of that, and a lifetime of regret.

2. I ENROLLED FOR A MASTERS DEGREE

I might have been more vocal about this on Facebook. I jumped on the first train in the Culture and Arts Studies masters program in the Philippines, being in the pioneering batch. I’ve always loved the folk. The culture. The Arts. And, I thought, “Finally, I have this niche to grow in!” And perfectly fit my dream of becoming a filmmaker. Soon, I was attending literature and theater seminars and conferences. I was collaborating with the indigenous and fellow artists, writing poems. It was a dream come true, but I guess things like these have their stop point, too.

3. I STARTED TEACHING IN COLLEGE

So from preschool, I skipped to the older generation and taught college. I’m having a grand time, so far, being in a bigger and more corporate setting, compared to the small school I have taught in previously. Benefits are more defined (although not as much as in public schools), and relationships with peers are less personal. I started teaching Oral Communication, Remedial English, Art Appreciation (Humanities), Philippine Literature, and World Literature in the first semester, and now I handle additional subjects in Writing in the Discipline (English 2), Intercultural Communications Studies, Argumentation and Debate, Preparation and Evaluation of Instructional Materials (English 111), and Introduction to Linguistics. I never thought I’d be able to handle major subjects, but here I am, reviewing like I’m back in college.

But things are beautiful with my students. I was able to meet people with struggles I didn’t know a college student could have. Although I have a lot of wealthy students, I’ve also had students who are working full-time while in school (imagine that!), students who have kids of their own, students who have taken drugs, and students who do not have a permanent home. I could only think of my position as a privilege. To be in a position to help is a privilege. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

4. I JOINED A PAGEANT

I have been open about this on my Facebook, too. After being requested by my long-time makeup artist, Ely Tagalog, to join the screening, I succumbed. Little did I know, I would garner the most awards (Alex Artistic Salon’s Choice Award, Tartilicious Darling Award, Best in Ororama Casual, Miss Pepsi-Cola, Best in Maranao-inspired Wear, Best in Talent, Miss Photogenic), win 1^st runner-up, brush shoulders with the big wigs (city officials, big-time business people, national pageant coaches), and be selected to represent the city in this “other” national pageant. Plus, the monetary prize really helped ease the financial tension at home that time. I could only thank the Lord at how generous He’s been with me the whole time!

5. I QUIT MY MASTERS

I’m not saying I’m not going back. Just a cease-fire from everything, I guess. After three lovely semesters of being in the program, I have decided to take a break unless I want to compromise my performance. Having juggled this with my schedule with work and pageantry, I have reached the point of realizing I couldn’t do it all. So, I pause for a moment, and choose a more practical load.

6. I TOOK PROFESSIONAL EDUCATION UNITS

This is only for one semester. 18 units, where I only have after my work in the college ends. I know it’s not easy, but it is more realistic. More practical for somebody who wants to work for the government. So, I take the Licensure exam for Teachers next year, although I am still unsure where the Lord will place me after my contract with the school I am now working in.

7. I MOVED OUT

Along with the changes this year, I decided to move out from home for independence, although I am also in the stage of contemplating whether or not I go back home (because I just moved 10 minutes closer to my work place). I did calculations and decided it would be financially more practical to go back home and use my rent (and food) money to help with some bills, so I would probably be back in my old bed early next year.

BUT YEAH. You probably aren’t interested in all these things, but I just thought this would clear my head a bit, especially now that I’m facing a lot more work this week with all the papers to check and the exams to take. But, man, I knew I had a crazy year, but I never realized I had this much change going on!

2016 really has been a year of transition. I wonder how other people do it: settling right after graduation like making a decision is so easy for them. I was always tempted to want to live the way they do, but, I believe everybody has a crazy life like mine, I just don’t see it right. I still am happy to have gone through several changes though. No regrets, and no “what ifs”. I’ve had a roller coaster ride this year and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Although, of course, I hope I’d have a smoother course next year.

Hugs and Kisses,

Aine

P.S. OMG this is so rushed, did I just write my year as a bland post? I felt I had a lot of mistakes in this post. I'll go over it for the editing but I just had to post this before my internet connection goes nasty on me again.