That Inner Struggle

The sting of loneliness makes no signs of moving towards that deep pit it had crawled from. I know. It would be too easy to say that all I have to do is focus on the Lord. But when you're in a big city, with no definite church and ministry yet, you begin to ponder on your singularity. You begin to ponder on the eerie space around you. You begin to think about how lovely it must be to have a permanent companion who could throw jokes at you, walk with you, and rescue you from the predating dull moments.

A few offers of companionship slyly make their way to me. And having been in conservative groups for the most of my life, these offers splash all over me so differently. Especially this one. It's not that I was entirely repelling it. No. In fact, it seems interesting enough. Although this thing seems too different from back home, it's ironic how I had experienced this chivalry only here. Here, in this supposedly insensitive, liberated city. Sometimes I catch myself shaking my head when I recall how more of a lady I am being treated here. In all honesty, I like it. But that...becomes a struggle in itself. Because I liked how it felt. Consequently, there are little things I have compromised and tolerated just to keep that chivalry and companionship. Whenever the air becomes static and the gospel whispers to be told, I hold my tongue. Not because I didn't want to, but it gets too overwhelmingly frightening to sow the Seed on cement-hard soil. Or maybe I'm only making excuses. I just have to be honest here, confess, and spill out the darkened oil in the jar. I didn't want to keep burning with cheap oil in the lamp in Elohim's presence.

I have been told (as if I didn't know already), that I have trouble explaining things, especially when emotions are swell in size, so I do not think I am able to describe this thoroughly. But one thing's clear. This struggle is still here, and I choose to confess because I do not want to pretend everything's alright. I do not want to act as if I am perfectly attack-proof. Because I'm not.

Earlier, I had a conference call with Aimae and Kuya Adyng. But although I was not able to tell them everything about this struggle, I'm glad I got to hear theirs. And with that, my hope in Rabbani Yeshua surged in again. We are still running, He says. But going to the darkening side or to the perpetual brightness, is a choice I had to make.