The Story, So Far

2017 was probably the year I wrote the least. One, because I've been terribly busy, and two, because the things that kept me busy were changes that I have no idea how to share with you. I have detached myself from people - ended relationships and started new ones. From borderline extrovert, I have curled into a different type of introvert, shying myself away from people and refusing engagements. (Can you believe I've shifted from ENFP-T to INFP-T?) Sometimes I feel I have spiraled down in the social world, but there are also times I feel stronger and braver. I actually do not know which part of my head to believe. Was I broken? Was I actually stronger like I wanted myself to believe?

I'm still anticipating changes in the next few months. While they make me anxious, they also definitely make me feel older - more in control of my actions. I just turned 23 and I could not fathom how, years ago, I always said I could not wait for my 24th year when I'd have my life all to myself. Wrong assumption, definitely. Now, I would give anything to slow down time. I guess when you're getting older, time flies even faster, taunting you as if you were in a race you're bound to lose anyway. Remember when you were younger and you had to fake your afternoon naps just so you could go out and play with your friends? Five minutes of lying still on the bed and it seems like forever. Meanwhile, here you are having approximately eight hours of sleep and it's still not enough. Time is a tease, and I keep on thinking how five years from now, I'd probably still be feeling nostalgic over my 23rd year. In other words, life's crazy. Don't be surprised.

Funny how I complain about time being so fast and yet wishing for it to go even faster anyway. Kevin has always reminded me to quit overthinking and just try to live in the moment - try to take whatever peace life is offering me - but I always go back to this wheel of thought like a crazy hamster.

But, I know I'm coping. Thank God I am.

Here's a list of what you've probably missed (or, IDK, you probably don't care but I'm writing them down anyway):

1. I gained so much weight over the year, you won't believe the numbers on the scale, but I'm kinda shedding them off now (or at least I'm trying to!).

2. I have a cool writing job!

3. I moved to a new home a few months ago! It was a pain to go through the process of renovations and home-furnishing but it definitely made me feel more in control of adulthood. (I guess nobody ever gets to this "phase" but I want to pretend.) 

4. With the bigger, more peaceful space, I can finally move forward to more intentional writing and filming. I guess I no longer have a reason to delay my passion project, as well. (I am reviewing this draft a few months later - I wrote this last April - and no, I still haven't produced a decent film/article, but I will, soon!)

5. Aaand, last on this list: God gave me Kevin. I'm not sure if you've noticed but the posts before this were when we just started dating. Crazy how one year could change things so much, huh?


And, blah, blah, blah. This, is the story, so far. I just wanted to write down the burden of the previous year so I'd have a blank slate for 2018, although I know waiting until half of the year has passed before publishing a new year's post is ridiculous. I do promise to write as often as I can now though so please don't give up on me just yet!


Love you peoples,

Aine

Operation Adult: Ep. 2

I'm coming back with another blog post on my life so far. In comparison to my previous update, my workload had quadrupled and I am left with little to no free time now. I always catch myself wishing for a break. But, here I am, writing a random blog post in between the three papers that are due today despite my "day off". I needed to get away for a moment - a little breather to keep my mind off the pressure I've been placing on myself.

Dear you,

You're doing fine. You know you're wearing yourself out but do not forget who this is for. Remember your mom and dad. You love them, and you're doing this for them. Remember that. You're still a young thing, wandering about with little direction but look how far you've gone. You may not seem to enjoy the same luxuries your friends are posting on social media, but that doesn't mean they're living a better life. We all have struggles we do not want to share. They have burdens to carry and so do you.

You're doing okay. You may not have built a house for yourself yet or gotten yourself your dream car, but that doesn't mean you're a failure. You might not have gone to your dream places, but that doesn't mean you're not doing things right. Having a picture taken in Paris or the most exotic destinations cannot be your standard for success.

It's okay to cry sometimes. When you feel like a hamster running on the wheel, do not hesitate to pause and cry. Sometimes we have to admit that strong people cry too. Even God's closest friends cry. You do not have to carry your burden alone. You do not have to keep it all in.

You'll be better. You may feel tired now, you may feel your eyes burn from staring at the computer screen for twelve hours straight but that does not indicate a pathetic life. The dread you feel over the pile of work to be done is not something that lasts forever.

You might have little left for yourself at the end of the day but that doesn't mean it's always going to be that way. You'll reach the end of the tunnel soon enough. You're doing well. It's going to be alright. There's always something to look forward to each day. And even if this little bright star is hidden behind the heavy evening clouds, it's always bound to show up. Always. 

The In-betweens

To the kids in life jackets who wanted the bottom of the ocean. Enjoy.

Her eyes hovered over his wide chest for a moment, trying to evaluate the size, reimagining comfort. ‘Was this the same chest that held her when she cried last night?’ she thought.

As if on cue, he took her clenched fist and kissed it – gently, as if he were holding an infant. As if he actually did love her. She lowered her gaze, warm blood spreading across her face, until she felt a sting from her nose, going up to her eyes. She blinked back hot tears.

“I’m always here, you know,” he whispered, sweeping her hair away from her cheeks.

“I know.”

But she knew she didn’t. At least her head failed to understand.

“Remember when we were kids and we wanted to dive deeper into the reef but we were wearing stupid, orange life vests? No matter how much we kicked the water, it always pushed us back to the surface.”

He was silent.

“Sometimes I feel like the things that keep us from the things we think we truly want are the things that are keeping us alive.”

She saw him picking invisible lint from her hair, twisting the strands between his fingers; only the rhythm of their heavy breathing hung on the air like a gray cloud about to pour.

“Let’s take the life jacket off,” he finally said, his wild, brown eyes bore into hers.

“John – “

“I mean, just this once, Claire. I’m sure the water’s going to pull us back anyway.” A tentative pause like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to say some more. “Stay with me.”

She smiled, her head bobbing to the side in an attempt to capture the childlike expression on his face. And as she closed her hands around his, she also thought of the waves closing over their heads, water filling their lungs.

While her head racked itself for words, nothing came out from her throat but a gagged whisper she wasn’t sure was loud enough for him to hear.

“But I can’t swim.”