That Inner Struggle

The sting of loneliness makes no signs of moving towards that deep pit it had crawled from. I know. It would be too easy to say that all I have to do is focus on the Lord. But when you're in a big city, with no definite church and ministry yet, you begin to ponder on your singularity. You begin to ponder on the eerie space around you. You begin to think about how lovely it must be to have a permanent companion who could throw jokes at you, walk with you, and rescue you from the predating dull moments.

A few offers of companionship slyly make their way to me. And having been in conservative groups for the most of my life, these offers splash all over me so differently. Especially this one. It's not that I was entirely repelling it. No. In fact, it seems interesting enough. Although this thing seems too different from back home, it's ironic how I had experienced this chivalry only here. Here, in this supposedly insensitive, liberated city. Sometimes I catch myself shaking my head when I recall how more of a lady I am being treated here. In all honesty, I like it. But that...becomes a struggle in itself. Because I liked how it felt. Consequently, there are little things I have compromised and tolerated just to keep that chivalry and companionship. Whenever the air becomes static and the gospel whispers to be told, I hold my tongue. Not because I didn't want to, but it gets too overwhelmingly frightening to sow the Seed on cement-hard soil. Or maybe I'm only making excuses. I just have to be honest here, confess, and spill out the darkened oil in the jar. I didn't want to keep burning with cheap oil in the lamp in Elohim's presence.

I have been told (as if I didn't know already), that I have trouble explaining things, especially when emotions are swell in size, so I do not think I am able to describe this thoroughly. But one thing's clear. This struggle is still here, and I choose to confess because I do not want to pretend everything's alright. I do not want to act as if I am perfectly attack-proof. Because I'm not.

Earlier, I had a conference call with Aimae and Kuya Adyng. But although I was not able to tell them everything about this struggle, I'm glad I got to hear theirs. And with that, my hope in Rabbani Yeshua surged in again. We are still running, He says. But going to the darkening side or to the perpetual brightness, is a choice I had to make.

The Moon in the City

It is just so easy to not acknowledge Christ in our daily routine.

The other night, as Hannah and I were exploring the road to our new home in Cebu, we suddenly looked up to the sky as we had always done back home in Iligan. The moon was just right above us, hanging in a horizontal crescent, competing with the other lights in the city. Hannah said it was rather beautiful, but I frowned a little.

Photo taken from here. Too bad I think I might have deleted the photo I originally took. :(

“It looks…old,” I told her, eyes not leaving the moon. When she was about to ask what I meant, I said, “It looks rather old and sad. Like, for centuries, it had been looking down on Cebu and watched it grow; Cebu changed, but it didn’t. It was always there.”

We walked a few more hundred yards but we were still talking about the moon.

“It’s so easy to not notice the moon in a big city like Cebu,” I continued. “You see, its glow would always compete with the artificial lights, that you could even say…people no longer need the moon here.”

I stopped and thought about what I had just said. “Right,” I mumbled, agreeing to myself. “But if you take everything and live in the rural places for example, the moon IS the moon. You need it there; In simplicity and contentment that’s where it shines the brightest. Just…just like the Lord!”

How could a big and busy city find Christ in their lives when too much of its time is spent in its necessary routines? Like the moon against the bright city, the glory of the Lord seems to fade into an old and sad glow. And only a few would stop and see it, too.

These days I have been having terrible experiences in Cebu streets, having been almost run over several times. Even traffic signs for pedestrians only turn green for 3 seconds. How could anybody cross a wide road in 3 seconds? Even if we run, we could never reach the other side of the road on time. The people behind wheels seem to not see you. If you try to cross a road, they would never slow down. Really. Never. This is how busy people are here; they run after time, and never mind the people around them. I could not even count the number of times passengers try to get on the jeepney and the jeepney driver starts running the vehicle at full speed even though people are still crouching at the jeepney’s door, trying to look for a space to sit on. I could only click my tongue and shake my head. In a city too busy, fast, and loud, would the Lord’s Voice still be heard? I try to think about how the Lord (for Cebu, and the most of the nation) was so much like the moon that night.

The city (and the nation) better not be waiting for judgment and stripping off of everything before the Lord’s glory could shine brighter here. Earthly treasures try to compete with God, but they would eventually lead us to destruction anyway. Just when will we able to realize and acknowledge this?

Earlier this evening, as I was going home alone, I looked up at the sky again and found the moon glowing a little brighter than last night. In my head I was wondering if there was somebody else in the big city acknowledging the moon’s presence amidst the light pollution as I was. I wonder. I wonder.