The Long-Overdue Chapter: Chapter 26

I've been thinking about creating a new website — like a separate website for my creative pursuits. Sure, I have a business website (where I carry my husband's surname) which I haven't officially shared to the public yet, but I'm not sure if I can indulge in my attempts at creative writing without getting a separate writer's website. If that's the case, I might use my maiden name. Will that even make sense?

It's been almost 2 years since my last entry and that didn't even count as a proper blog post.

So now I'm here, trying to pry open a dusty box full of memories of the old me.

Of course I'm still me. You know.  Just married — and with a personality I think I can finally understand. 26 years on earth and I feel like I'm starting to know myself more. Kevin (my husband) and I just moved into our own home 2 months ago (a year after our wedding) and without anyone to tell us what to do, and when and how to do things, I finally see who I am as a person and what I think I'm here for, I guess.

Of course I'm bound to change a little bit more once Kevin and I have kids, but while we're in this phase — exploring our individualities, together — we're seeing ourselves in a different light. And that, I think, is refreshing. I didn't know that I actually like the colors yellow and orange. That I could actually love milk. That I enjoy cooking, or that I dislike a noisy home. It's like getting to know myself for the first time.

When my dad passed away last July, I became even more me — more sober — realizing I was like my father after all. Like someone grabbing me by the shoulders, I felt that jolt of reality and I saw myself absorbing everything we used to do together. I enter my home office every day, looking at all my stuff — the library, camera station, and the wide desk like he used to have — and see bits and pieces of him and my childhood. Sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it makes me cry.

Now, I'm even more sure of what I want to do in the next 50 years. It still sounds a little crazy but I draw comfort from the thought that my dad would have been excited for me.

Maybe this is what they mean by becoming an adult. Being more confident about yourself. But since I still feel like I'm 19, I can never tell for sure. Am I an adult because of the things that I do, or because of how I feel about things?

26 years on earth and I'm just seeing myself growing.

I still have so many things to learn but I've never been so excited in my life.

To my dad,

I'll try to do the things I said I'd do.

For you.

For us.