Laying Down My Desires

What kind of girl doesn't want to be married and wear a white gown with all grandeur? What kind of girl doesn't want a prince to be with? What kind of girl doesn't want to raise a child who resembles her? What kind of girl looks at the sunset and doesn't find it romantic? What kind of girl shuns romance? Of a one-of-a-kind love story?

Ever since I had been aware of stories of humans falling in love with each other, I secretly wished God would one day reveal to me my own - that one day when my heart would pump so fast, I'd forget how to breathe.

I was like that: a princess that walks in the garden, feeling every flower, inwardly searching for that one rose God might have set apart for her.

I am writing this because recently I have gotten in this fear of being so set apart for the Lord that I should deny marriage. It was during my devotionals when this thought came taunting me, interrogating me of how far I would be able to sacrifice. Am I able of sacrificing this great dream of being a wife with a loving family? No, God was not telling me to forgo marriage. At least not yet. And I sure do hope He wouldn't. I am writing this because God told me to lay down and tell Him my desires and my fears.

It was too painful that night that I only knelt and cried. Lord, this is my desire. It had been one for a very long time. I'm supposed to be almost there now. I didn't always tell God my desires and fears with such passion, but I had learned that it is complete exposure that draws us more into intimacy.

If God tells me to deny marriage and the possibility of becoming a mother, then I have no choice but to humbly accept the calling and do as He tells me to do. As for now, all I could do is lay down my desires, pray, and listen to what He really is telling me to do. Hannah was a barren woman but she prayed with passion, she quivered. She asked. And lo, God answered her and gave her Samuel. I, then, must be as faithful as she had been, mustn't I?

I still couldn't get over the possibility that I might not be able to have the dream that I had always written about in my old diaries and short stories. Whatever happens though, I will submit to my ultimate Bridegroom's demands of love. It might or might not be what it seems to me because my mind is finite. Still. The will of the Lord, the God of Abraham, be done. Yes. All I could do right now is be on my knees and pray.


Lord, open my ears that I may hear my Shepherd's voice. Open my ears that I may hear what Your desires for me are. Open my heart and let me understand. Your child, Aine.