Dead Stars

(Just like what I had mentioned in my previous post, there really are things you easily start that you eventually have a hard time completing.)

The Sandman had not yet visited me, thus drowsiness has no enough strength to pull me down in my unusually uncomfortable bed. My eyes, though red and sore from being up for too long, have no plans of shutting themselves close soon. My back, though aching, is not in the mood to be laid down just yet. I am agitated. I feel like I have something else to tell, despite the relatively long entry I had posted a few minutes ago. There is more to say. There is more inside that I have to spill.

Tell me when it's over. Tell me when you've decided to give up. Tell me when it all vanished like vapor on heated pavement. Tell me if it all faded with the mist. Tell me when they're broken -- the things we used to keep. Tell me if you had already displaced them into something more permanent. Tell me if it's exhaustion. Tell me if it's lost. Tell me if you're on your way again. Tell me when I shouldn't keep on standing at the corner anymore. Tell me if I shouldn't any longer. Tell me when it's over. Tell me, tell me, if all I see now are just dead stars.

This simply screams "Drama Queen!", but who cares? There's more to this than it actually appears. Keep reading. Beaucoup d'amore, Aine. <3

Joy in the Gaps

I do not know where to start. Honestly, my mind is still in a daze. I just got home from an essay-writing contest. As much as I would love to post what I had written, unfortunately, all I have with me right now is the trash-worthy draft and it lacked the concluding sentences (I was the last to submit my paper and I went way past the time limit, hence the final touch-ups directly on my final paper). As soon as I recall what those were, I promise to post the piece here, ASAP.


Believe it or not, I have three pending entries and they had been in my drafts since last week. It's just that feeling when you don't know how to end your work, you know. There really are things you easily start that you eventually have a hard time completing. Life. It works like that most of the time. I hope this explains why I had not been posting as quickly as I had been before.

And due to my disappearance and the feeling inside that tells me I owe this blog a decent post, I hereby proclaim this entry a compilation of my Monday events. Not so exciting, eh?

Aaron and Ben, my seniors, are now officially calling me "Katrina". It was Ben who thought my real name was "Katrina". And after I commented that I actually found the name "Katrina" pretty neat, they decided among themselves to call me that, which I personally believe is pretty childish. I also do not know why, but they had teased me this day like crazy. They teased my hand-writing (which, according to Aaron, looked like chicken scratches), how I cram-studied this morning, how our field trip next week sucked, and how I was to represent our house for Touchstone. Really, they teased me non-stop from morning until evening, which is crazy and annoying in a good way, I admit. We didn't even become friends until today. It's funny how one day could change things.



While I was busy re-writing my essay, Aaron snagged a seat beside me, and surprisingly cheered me on while constantly commenting casually on how my penmanship turned from bad to worse like it was the most natural thing on earth. If that wasn't enough, he even snatched my ID from my desk and stifled a laugh as he stared at it -- my ID photo. As annoying as they can be around me, I think they're pretty okay. They'd make the perfect "brothers" who are supposed to do nothing but ruin your day but still give you a good laugh about it.


After the essay-writing contest that nearly killed my hand, our society adviser handed some of us two thousand pesos for a "little" treat. The streets were ankle-deep in flood already, but do not underestimate how much we could sacrifice for our baby tummies. The water which was probably already mixed with garbage, canal fluid, and spit, apparently didn't stop our group from wading to R. Kelly Pizza House which was only a block away from school. I know, we might had acted desperately already, but as long as we had a whole pizza for each of us, none of it mattered. Leptospirosis didn't haunt us, and it never crossed our minds. We were victors with every slice of pizza we stuffed into our mouths.


This was a Monday worth remembering. There are people I miss, of course, but I had finally learned to be content with what I am offered right now. Although I found several missing spots in my being tonight, I had learned to fill them with the Lord's joy, instead. I met new friends, and I spent time with my other friends -- the ones who needed more attention. Maybe God is directing me to them, the ones I had forgotten. Sometimes, when the world pulls you way under, you tend to want to forget about the things that truly matter, but then, the Lord knows better and eventually lifts you up back again on your feet, and reminds you of what you have to do. And unless you could never learn what He wants you to learn right now, I don't think you could move on to the next phase. Think Super Mario, friends.

"Listen, Aine. Listen. Stop being a selfish and stubborn brat. Listen to Him. Listen."

A return after long wanderings

One good thing about being an English major is being able to realize something new about life every time a new literary work gets in my hand. Take this post's title, for example. A return after long wanderings. This phrase was taken from "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", a novel by Milan Kundera. It was actually written on Franz's (a character in the novel) tombstone. He was a womanizer and spent most of his days with his mistresses. This pretty much explains why his wife decided to have this line on her husband's grave. After the wanderings, he (or his body, anyway) finally went back to the place where he rightfully belonged -- home.

At first, the phrase just sounded too fancy for me that I immediately took my pen and scribbled the words on a piece of paper I had begged from my seatmate (yes, I didn't bring any paper to school). It seemed to me there was something more in those words that I am yet to realize. I was right, apparently. There was more to that line that fitted me and the circumstance that I am in.

"So, where had you been exactly?"
"What wanderings?"
"Where had you returned?"
"Why aren't you answering the questions yet?!?"

Hold your horses, people. I am yet to explain the most part of everything. *winks*



I admit, I had been guilty of being impatient, waiting for the Lord's answers. Or that was what I thought. I never realized I had been waiting for something that had been in front of me for a very long time already. I had probably been too busy complaining and crying my eyes out to the Lord without realizing that He had already placed the answer right in front of me. Everything could have not been this complicated had I taken the time to look around and listen to the Holy Spirit's whispers to me. Despite all these, I still thank the Lord that He had been absolutely patient and faithful the whole bumpy ride.



If wandering meant going elsewhere other than the Lord's path, then yes, maybe I really had been wandering. I had subjected myself to emotional depression without even thinking about it. Experiencing the rocks, I admit, discourage me, which explains why I tend to waver and get side-tracked. I let my tears drown me. I know it's no excuse. There never should be excuses in the first place. The grace of The Lord is infinite so that its light encompasses even the darkest paths we could ever get through in life. His light is forever aflame, that even a thousand excuses are not enough to not see it.

In the Bible, Pharaoh's heart was hardened that it took a number of plagues before he finally yielded to God's words. Had I been like Pharaoh? Had it taken me several sufferings before I learned to let go and let God? These were the messages the Holy Spirit made me realize through my devotionals this week. Every single time, I was being reminded of the Lord's greater power. I thank the Lord for never getting tired of reminding me.

My Father led me back to the tracks. I do not know how many times He had pressed me to listen to Him, but as He keeps on telling us, He never gives up on His children. He never lets us go. He had never let me go. Ever. His love is the "enchanted" chain that could never get broken, and the greatest superglue to my soul. And now that I had listened, MIRACLES happened. Yes. Just like that. It was like God's way of telling me, "See, my child? Why had you been so afraid? Look at the wonders of holding on to Me."


"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, Who has given me strength." 1 Timothy 1:12

These trials that I had gone through, am going through, and about to go through, I know, are just to rebuke, teach and prepare me for His plans and for the days to come, as we await the Lord's next coming. I still might be in a rocky trail right now, but I believe I am much better than when I had been on smooth pavement. Who else is carrying me in His arms? The Lord makes the rockiest terrains the smoothest path there ever can be. :)


It is clear to me that He has greater plans that I have to patiently wait for. I have no idea what they are, but I do know that whatever they are, they're beyond beautiful. They're perfect.


He called me back. The King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Creator of the universe, and my Father called me back. After the long wanderings, He had helped me return to the place where I was supposed to be -- home. In His arms. In Him.


"Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; His love endures forever." Psalm 106:1


Que Dieu vous benisse. <3, Aine