Stubborn, Skydiving Dreams

My study would be totally revamped. I do not know what to feel. I had been expecting the feeling of relief today but the burden seems to be pressing itself further down into my gut. Dr. Christine congratulated me for coming up with an interesting study. The panel members repeatedly said it was a good study, but I'm afraid to believe they were only trying to make things less bad for me. In the end, they suggested I shift my study to the collection of the tales alone. All my years as an English major, I never had been stirred by the sight of papers such as these. Now I do not know if there is still something to look forward to in my study.

Gen, one of my secretaries during the defense came up to me at the next room and said, "Excited kaayo ko sa imong study, Aine!" I smiled and said, "Ako pud." I don't know if I really am, though I wish I could make myself believe I was.


It's hard not knowing where to start. With just one look at the paper Dr. Christine gave back to me, the pressured feeling suffocates me again. Speaking of pressure, I still have to check 150 essays. Imagine that.


I have to completely change my paper, and I have to pass it before Wednesday, next week. Dreams skydive as my mind insists I had lost the chance of earning the Best Thesis title.




Somewhere along the course of my growth I heard a saying which reminded people not to convince themselves something is difficult to handle. Things are easy when you convince yourself they are, they say. I had wanted to say I do not know how to write in a technical manner - in a research paper, for example, but I remembered this saying so I have to control myself. They regarded my "sweeping" statements as something almost laughable. I don't know how to explain how exactly I felt about myself just then. I was actually crying beneath the smiling mask, teasing my writing skills which are always beneath the standards they require. In my eighteen years, I had never written a serious, technical article that I would say is decent. Now, I'm wondering if there still is a chance for me.



I asked myself earlier if I could bear shifting courses. No, my mind said. It's too late to give up. After a moment of cognitive silence, I again raised a question my other self would answer: Am I really meant to write? If I aren't, what am I supposed to become?

I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I am embarrassed. I am disappointed because I had failed their high expectations. I am disappointed because I do not know if I could still handle the mere pressure of graduating on time. The thought of disappointing the panel again still sends shivers down my spine, I want to throw up. Seriously, I do.



Lord, tell me how to. I have never felt so stupid and incompetent. This particular semester had totally taken off my assumption of my being smart. I really am not. How do I turn on the switch, Lord? 




Remm text messaged me after I wrote the last line, saying he really likes my study. That was when the tears started rolling down my cheeks in disagreement.




Can you hear that muffled noise? It's underneath the mask, trying to silence itself.

To a Fellow Princess ♕

Dear Ena,


I almost forgot, to tell you the truth. Time for me had apparently been in a frenzy ever since October started. But know that despite almost forgetting, the memories of you in me would remain, like an aged Polaroid pasted on an equally aged wall.



You were that pretty sophomore who greeted me right outside the CON Hall on that Freshmen Nite Out last June 2010. I was a frosh that time and I barely knew anyone from YA, yet there you were, ready to be my first ate in church.

"Ako diay si Ate Ena," you told me in your usual sweet voice. Both your hands were clasped together tightly, and you graciously swooned towards me, half-skipping in all girlishness. All I remembered was the red ribbon on your head, and your floral scent.

There were a lot of memories made after that, and I know you remember, because you're that kind of girl. You're the kind of girl who goes to bed and spends a few more hours recalling the details of events. You're the kind of girl who takes out an ordinary rush of events and coats it with affection, as if the park were a flower garden, and as if rocks were something more.

Starting college as a girly girl had been so much easier with you and Ate Elay around. You were the sisters I never had. Don't you find it funny how the trials Ate Elay went through that you eventually went through, too, had also been passed down to me? It was like that. It was as if a connecting cord had been stitched through our souls all this time.

Now that we're miles apart, I'd still like to believe that the cord that had connected the three of us has not yet dissolved, and that sooner or later it'd have to tighten in distance and bring us together on a girly date again. I'd like to hope that when God would allow that to happen, we'd resume to our mini-food spree and substantial girl talks, mindful of His work in us, His princesses. I know the two of you also believe we'd never be too old for the princess talks. After all, we still are.

I admire the strength in you no matter how frail you look like. I may no longer be there to hear your stories, En, but you're still in my prayers. Do not ever forget that your sister's still here with the other end of the cord. We will see each other soon, En. We will. 

Happy birthday, Princess! May the Lord continue to shape you inside out into the kind of woman He wants you to become. You are not an earthly princess, Ena Fabe; you know you are set apart. Being set apart means being different and separated from the rest (as Christ is in you), thus comparing your story with anybody's would be pointless and utterly foolish. Remember that you are still on the race, and the Lord wants you to seek Him above all things. Continue being a blessing, En, as you grow and blossom in the Lord, for the most beautiful flowers are planted and grown on the best soil.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

This is only but a small piece of the entirety of my gratefulness for having known you, En. I miss you so so much. ♥♥♥

Aine

Cluttered Bed, Lightened Burden

Finally, I had gotten some time off from school work. Actually, I still have a couple of papers to write, and a thesis proposal to defend, but not writing anything on my blog feels worse than not writing anything at all. The Lord had been faithful to me the past week, waking me up at just the right time (usually at dawn) whenever I accidentally fall asleep in the middle of my paper works. That happened last night. I accidentally fell asleep because I work on my bed all the time; if you could see my bed, it's actually cluttered with sheets of papers, notebooks, stuffed toys, fiction and non-fiction books, and my phone and laptop. Sometimes my mom comes in and starts talking about how my bed doesn't look like a lady's. Despite mild scoldings, I actually like how it currently looks like, though I keep it to myself. It gives me the feels of being a geek. It reminds me of the joys of being an English major. It reminds me that I was meant to be in a cluttered work space - with cluttered ideas and inspiration that come to me from every corner of the atmosphere.


Unusually, my eyes fluttered open at 5AM this morning (I normally wake up half past 8 during normal days). "Gah, my thesis paper and lesson plan!" my mind was yelling at me. On normal days, I'd probably stare at my computer screen and be unproductive until the once jet black sky transforms to mysterious blue. This morning though, I had never worked so fast. It basically took me less than an hour to tailor a lesson plan for our TESL App class. It was almost magic, like things slow down and you're in a fast forward motion. I had also finally completely revised my thesis proposal at noon. It still comes to me as a miracle whenever the Lord generously sprinkles me with His wisdom, as if I deserved it when in fact I don't. Until this moment, I still could not comprehend how close I am to the academic finish line! Years from now, I know I'd look back, remember how I'd cried underneath the pressure of education, and praise the Lord for the strength, wisdom, and deliverance.


There is still quite a long way to go, but at least the weight of the pains of it is not as terrible as last week's. There are a lot more things to thank the Lord for, too. However, I think I am much more psyched on setting the others apart for separate, and much better posts. I'm working on a new one right now, so I'd probably post it in 24 hours or so.

xoxo,
A


P.S.
My bed almost exactly looks like this, since last week. Honestly, it's way messier, but I do sleep with opened books and opened gadgets. -.- I was thinking of posting an actual photo, but I still have a lot to do, and a lot more blog entries to post, so maybe next time. :)