Apologies for the Hiatus

To tell you honestly, although I have not been on this blog for quite some time, I still do not know what to write. Yes, I have a couple of writings left unpublished but I don't think I'd like to publish them now. Today, I'd just like to take in the fact that I will be going back to writing regularly now. (Praying to the Lord the internet connection wouldn't bail on me again.)

I know I might not even have a decent number of readers, but to those who faithfully check out this page, I'd still like to apologize for the unannounced hiatus. Aside from having to go through the adjustment process at work, my laptop just does not connect to the internet no matter how hard I try to troubleshoot it. Earlier, after a power nap, I was surprised to see the white WiFi bands at the lower right portion of my laptop screen. Finally. After weeks of waiting and praying, the internet is up and I could now go back to writing online. I hope you could sense that giddy feeling in my chest right now as I'm typing the words down on blogger.

I promise to give better, fuller posts after this. I just want to bask in the moment of telling you that I am fine and all is well here. Really well. I am currently attending church services at a local church here in Cebu, and I am also faithfully attending a small group for single ladies. New Christian friends are increasing by the number, praise the Lord, and even He has already started moving me closer to the ministry He has been desiring for me. The pacing is just so perfect, I could not ask for more.

Gah, there is so much more I want to tell you but I'd have to organize all my thoughts first and save them for future posts. I don't want to rush everything in on a single post. 

I pray all is well with you, too, my dear friends. You could just not imagine how much I have missed this.

Missing You Too

Dear Aimae,

I, too, could not comprehend just how much my heart aches to see you and the rest of the team. The reason why I give so little updates of myself is the fear of having nothing good to tell. It’s a storm here. Although I am surrounded by good and fun people I now call my friends, I could also feel myself drowning in the waters polluted by the things of this world. It is difficult to swim upwards for a breath of air. It is difficult to remember I am here for a greater reason. And it is also now difficult to pray.

Let me wrestle with my flesh and do pray I come out triumphant. Even though I know Elohim will get me through this whirlpool, your prayers become my comfort, too. That I know great people back home include me in the prayers that never cease. Thank you for remembering me, Aims.

I miss you, too. Never could I find a person more joyful than you, here. I miss your smiles – that of the bubbly lady who steals the silence off the room. I hope I could visit you too, soon. Apparently, we are not given the privilege to request for a leave unless we become regularized, but I still do hope we’d meet someday. And there’s always skype. (Plugging my skype account: katherineaine ) Haha! I miss you guys a ton! :*

That Inner Struggle

The sting of loneliness makes no signs of moving towards that deep pit it had crawled from. I know. It would be too easy to say that all I have to do is focus on the Lord. But when you're in a big city, with no definite church and ministry yet, you begin to ponder on your singularity. You begin to ponder on the eerie space around you. You begin to think about how lovely it must be to have a permanent companion who could throw jokes at you, walk with you, and rescue you from the predating dull moments.

A few offers of companionship slyly make their way to me. And having been in conservative groups for the most of my life, these offers splash all over me so differently. Especially this one. It's not that I was entirely repelling it. No. In fact, it seems interesting enough. Although this thing seems too different from back home, it's ironic how I had experienced this chivalry only here. Here, in this supposedly insensitive, liberated city. Sometimes I catch myself shaking my head when I recall how more of a lady I am being treated here. In all honesty, I like it. But that...becomes a struggle in itself. Because I liked how it felt. Consequently, there are little things I have compromised and tolerated just to keep that chivalry and companionship. Whenever the air becomes static and the gospel whispers to be told, I hold my tongue. Not because I didn't want to, but it gets too overwhelmingly frightening to sow the Seed on cement-hard soil. Or maybe I'm only making excuses. I just have to be honest here, confess, and spill out the darkened oil in the jar. I didn't want to keep burning with cheap oil in the lamp in Elohim's presence.

I have been told (as if I didn't know already), that I have trouble explaining things, especially when emotions are swell in size, so I do not think I am able to describe this thoroughly. But one thing's clear. This struggle is still here, and I choose to confess because I do not want to pretend everything's alright. I do not want to act as if I am perfectly attack-proof. Because I'm not.

Earlier, I had a conference call with Aimae and Kuya Adyng. But although I was not able to tell them everything about this struggle, I'm glad I got to hear theirs. And with that, my hope in Rabbani Yeshua surged in again. We are still running, He says. But going to the darkening side or to the perpetual brightness, is a choice I had to make.