The Things I've Missed

Because of recent happenings (what else is new?), I have come up with a new short. Yes, after a century, I have written again. I have no ideas left for this baby's title, so I ended up playing with this: The Things I've Missed. I know, it does sound cheesy, but I'm tired and I have a long exam tomorrow that I have to get ready for, so this is sort of rushed. I've jammed the writing of this piece in between making my final requirements. Not too laid-back, huh?

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.

It was barely sundown when I reached the park. There were only a few people strolling around, mostly couples. Exams were finally over so I decided to take a break and spend some time alone, away from the things I used to know. Crissa told me it works. So I had to try. Bored, I took out my pen and diary and began to doodle symbols I have invented myself. I smiled at the silliness of the shapes on the paper. It was as if I had gone back to kindergarten without knowing anything. I felt the wind pick up and I absentmindedly watched the fallen leaves in front of me sail away into the other side of the park. Some things are just too weak to be blown away by the wind.

“How much longer until this ends?” I mumbled to myself, feeling my chest tighten. Involuntarily, I reached up to my cheeks and wiped the tears that had stubbornly trickled down my face. “Lord, what's next?”

Tired of waiting for nothing and of swatting the starving mosquitos away, I got up from the bench and decided to head somewhere else to grab something to eat. In my head was a battle between cheeseburger and barbeque. It was already six when I checked my watch so I thought it wouldn't matter if I had a heavy snack by now. Mama and Kuya Gab wouldn't be back until eight. I don't think I could manage to cook a full meal for myself yet so I told myself I'd play safe tonight. I proceeded to Nanay Seliang's stall and ordered several sticks of isaw and gizzard and four wraps of puso, rice balls in woven coconut leaves.

“Alone?” Nanay Seliang asked as she fanned the already glowing coal. I watched her brush a little oil on the isaw before I bobbed my head up and down into a nod. Cautiously, she put the sticks on the grill.

“Hoy, Kainah,” somebody called out behind me. I wheeled around and saw him, my best friend and cousin, in his usual sweaty jersey. Somehow, it was obvious he just got home from a basketball game with his guy friends. I used to hang out with them too, but ever since we stepped in college, things got different. Eventually it was just him that I had continued to hang out with.

“Uy,” he laughed, drawing near to me before he reached over for a stick of gizzard that had just been grilled. “Thanks!”

Nanay Seliang cackled her usual hearty laugh and playfully smacked him on the arm, reminding him to greet his mother for her. Mouth too full to answer, he nodded his head vigorously like he had seizures. I bawled with laughter.

Offering him a silly grin, I ruffled his thick black hair. When I drew back my hand, I faked a disgusted look and mouthed a “yuck” as I showed him the sweat on my palm.

“Luis, you have to get home. You stink!”

But being the usual airhead that he already is, Luis just lifted his arm and pressed my head to sniff his pits. I do not remember how much I had wanted to throw up right then and there. I was not kidding, he smelled of manly sweat, which he says is a good thing. Rolling my eyes, I told him, “Yeah. It's a good thing if you intended to keep girls a good ten feet away from you.”

He snorted with laughter.

“Alright, Kai,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I'm taking a shower. I'll just be real quick.”

“What for?”

He shrugged. “Tita said they wouldn't be back until ten. Problems. She says I need to keep an eye on you.”

“So you're baby-sitting me?”

Luis took a swig from his Gatorade bottle.

“If that's what you'd like to call it. Your mom just wants to make sure you wouldn't be wandering off with Mr. Suave over there,” he chuckled, elbowing me. He was looking at Bong prompted on his new tricycle, picking his nose.

“You are unbelievable!” I scoffed, running towards our door.

“That's why I'm your best friend!” he hollered back, spinning his basketball on one finger. “Don't forget to prepare some chips!”

I shook my head when I made a dash towards my room to change into my favorite shirt and shorts. After staring at my face at the mirror for a good five minutes, trying my best not to let the tears fall down again, I jumped in front of my closet and pulled out the tangerine over-sized shirt that was once Luis'. It had a faded Power Rangers print on front. Although I never was a fan of Power Rangers, it was one of my favorite clothing. When I wanted to tease Luis, I'd use this shirt against him. He doesn't like them anymore. “It's childish,” he always argued. But because I wanted to be a mean cousin sometimes, I tell his friends about it. It always works.

I didn't know I was already poking a large hole at the hem of the shirt when Luis barged in the living room.

“Hoy,” he called out, pointing at the untouched food on the table. I smacked my forehead. I forgot about my barbeque. Luis strode to the dining table and grabbed the package before he plopped hiself back on the couch in front of our TV.

“I believe that would be my dinner,” I whispered dramatically to him, as I placed one hand on my hip. He turned to me.

“Our dinner,” he retorted. “You have to be hospitable to your baby-sitter.”

I was not in the mood to argue right now. My head still throbbed and my chest was still aching, so I sunk to the carpet and spooned my face with my palms. I felt like throwing up. I wish I were back at the park. I could have endured the mosquito bites. At least it was more peaceful there.

“Kai?” I heard Luis call out to me. “Kainah?”

I refused to budge. I just listened to the rhythm of my own breathing. It kept me from minding the pain. A few seconds after, I heard Luis take the space beside me. He cautiously placed the bag of barbeque next to my feet. When I still stayed as still as a statue, he placed a large cup beside the barbeque. My face lit up.

“I bought that Halo-halo just for you,” he winked. Then out of nowhere, another spoon appeared and he burst out laughing. “Of course you have to share with me.”

I giggled and let him fish the halo-halo for his favorite leche flan. My eyes darted around the living room and noticed that the TV was not even turned on yet. I decided to keep it that way for now. I brought my attention back to Luis who was now half-way through the halo-halo. That's guys for you.

“Luis?'

His eyes momentarily looked up to me, but quickly went back to focusing on his halo-halo. I snickered and continued staring at him wolf down on the remaining halo-halo.

“Can I tell you something?” I finally breathed out. Completely satisfied with his cup, not even remembering he was supposed to give some to me, Luis sat up straight and turned towards my direction. My face must've been a mess because he squinted his eyes before he made a childish frown.

“What's wrong?” he asked, taking me by the arm. Carefully, like assisting a dying grandma, he led me to the porch. He insisted it was better to have serious talks when the stars were shining brightly and the breeze could whip your hair like you were in a soap opera. I laughed silently.

“You could tell me all about it,” Luis started, with his eyes searching the sky for nothing in particular. “Did somebody hurt you? Or are you mad at somebody?” My lips quivered. How much should I say? Or should I say anything at all?

I shook my head. “I...I'm not angry,” I replied. For what seemed like a decade, I searched my head for the right word. “Maybe I'm just...sad.” I looked up to him and he returned the gaze as if he were expecting me to say some more. Nervously I fumbled with my fingers and looked at my worn out ballet flats.

“Kainah...”

“Luis, there's a void inside,” I began, sucking up the tears that were about to drown me. “All the while I thought they were real. The smiles, the talks, the time spent. They're just illusions, aren't they?”

Luis' eyes widened as if he already knew. And like a father to his child, he carefully took my hands into his rough ones and warmed them with his steady blowing. I never saw Luis this soft before, I didn't know if I was about to laugh or cry.

“Kainah...”

“Luis, from one to ten, rate how good of a friend I am.”

He let go of my hands and pinched both sides of my cheeks like I was just a rag doll he found on the street. Sometimes my cousin could be the most brutal friend you could ever have.

“Ten and a half.”

I looked away. He drew a deep breath.

“Kainah, do not listen to them. Never let their words eat you up. They don't even know you that well. And I know you know God doesn't want you to dwell in this foolishness.”

I couldn't help it. I tried to look at the house across our street, at the sky, at the old Talisay tree that had been on its spot even before there were houses in the place. I tried staring at the lamp posts at the street and at Whitey, our neighbor's dog, chasing a large rat that ran towards the creek, but the tears still wanted to show themselves. So I let them. They are the most stubborn things I have ever known.

“Here,” Luis took off his jacket and offered the sleeve of the yellow hoodie. I gingerly took it. He wouldn't mind so I placed it over my nose and made the most terrible nose blow that could have awakened the whole neighborhood, Papa would be so proud.

“And you say I'm gross,” Luis laughed while wiping the tears from my red cheeks. “Sometimes I do not know if you really are a girl.”

Without thinking, I grabbed Luis and crushed him in a bear hug. “You're the best, Luis.”

He just laughed and ruffled my already messy hair. “I know I am,” he mumbled. “But that doesn't mean I'm going to wash that jacket.”

Grinning at him, I pinched his cheeks, which I know he absolutely hates as much as I do. “Thanks. I'm so blessed God gave me a cousin that could double up as my best bud.”

As if on cue, a comforting breeze came and whipped my hair back. Luis was right. It did feel like we were in a soap opera. I looked over at him who was also enjoying the cold sweep of wind and we both exchanged a meaningful smile before we remembered the bag of cold barbeque lying on our living room carpet. Miming, the stray cat that we had adopted a few weeks ago, was very happy that night, while we had resorted to starve ourselves with a small can of corned tuna we had scavenged from the kitchen cupboard. Luis complained that I should have ordered takeout instead but I just shook my head and told him there are things in life that we should just bear with.